Recap: Bad Sister (2016)

Lifetime doesn’t really do posters, so I chose to use a picture of Sister Sophia delighting in her naughty red panties instead. It’s totally fitting.

Warning: Heavy and gratuitous use of gifs

Seventeen-year-old twins, overachiever Zoe (Ryan Newman) and quasi-rebellious musician Jason (Devon Werkheiser), are starting their final year at St. Adeline’s, a Catholic high school where they board during the week. Jason’s still under parental punishment for a DUI over the summer. When he returns to school, he meets the new nun, Sister Sophia, who has DEADLY and SEXY SECRETS. Sister Sophia? Totally, unquestionably a sexual predator but (and I don’t mean to make light of this) also kind of the best thing. She chews the scenery like it’s going out of business and for that, I LOVE HER.

The Greatest Things That Happen in Bad Sister, in Chronological Order

Sister Sophia (a truly magnetic Alyshia Ochse) discovered Jason via his music page on some Youtube-esque site. And um, she is not shy about germs.

Sister Sophia immediately makes no bones about the fact that she fucking hates Sara, the pretty popular girl who’s caught Jason’s eye. The name of her lipgloss is not lost on Sister Sophia.

For no apparent reason, she puts it on later and then tries crushing it underfoot on a carpet. I’M A SUMMER, NOT AN AUTUMN!

[intense emoting]

Lucky for me, this is a pretty plot-thin movie because it’s basically just Sister Sophia’s Seduction Guide. AND IT’S WORKING! Here, she’s arranged it so that Jason will swing by her chambers for school talk but find her oiling up her hot bod instead. Also, I’m pretty sure she packed nothing but red lingerie. Jason runs back to his dorm for some hot dreams.

Late night fantasy sequence or White Snake music video?

In her effort to get rid of Sara, Sister Sophia sneaks into the room she shares with Zoe and plants a joint in her history textbook.

The next day, she spots it in class when Sara opens her textbook. When Sara scoffs her denial and adds that it may not even be real, Sister Sophia is impressively quick at noting, “Oh, it’s real.” Sara is suspended indefinitely, despite having a rich daddy who donates a lot of cheddar to the school.

Getting down to business, Sister Sophia also plants a bottle of whiskey under Jason’s mattress all so he can a) get caught during inspections and b) be saved by her recommendation that he get a second chance and serve time by helping with yard maintenance over the weekend, rather than go home to his family. Risky plan, but the other nun, Sister Rebecca, and priest/father allow it.

All so this can happen:

Gardening is just such a turn on!  Also, was this movie written by a 17-year-old boy?

Anyway, deliciously, we find out in a very quick flashback that Sister Sophia – you’ll be shocked to discover – is not the real Sister Sophia, nor a nun at all! Turns out, she stalked Jason from his videos, found out that a nun (the real Sister Sophia) from Montana was starting at St. Adeline’s in the fall, took a real big chance that Sister Rebecca or the father had never met her or seen a photo of her (?!), stalked her and…

Presently, Sister Sophia finally sneaks into Jason’s room at night and proceeds to officially seduce Jason despite his protests, all while her cell phone is recording the whole thing.

Meanwhile, Zoe is getting increasingly suspicious of Sister Sophia and her case only gets stronger when she goes to find Jason the next morning and finds Sophia, um, checking out the fortitude of his laundry detergent instead.

Zoe tells Jason what she saw, but he won’t tell her what’s up. Sister Sophia watches this from afar and decides that Zoe needs to be handled once and for all. So, she gives her a C- on a test (remember, she’s a straight-A nerd) and tells her to come by after class for a retest. When Zoe shows up, Sister Sophia is MIA but comes back just in time to catch her snooping at the history midterm answer key she left on her desk (in the hopes that she would catch her doing just that).

Sister Sophia brings Zoe to see Sister Rebecca. Sophia hilariously misquotes the “lead us not into temptation” line, and then gets dismissed. Zoe confides in Rebecca that she doesn’t think Sister Sophia is the real deal, that she doesn’t even recite the morning prayer with them. Sister Rebecca is carefully listening to this.

Meanwhile, poor Jason is very, very tormented about the illegal sex and heads over to chapel to talk his feelings out in the confessional booth. He gets no response from the father and then realizes why.

That ain’t no father! How does Sophia not have any habit hair? It’s always so perfectly tousled.

A bishop is visiting and he knows the real Sister Sophia, so the villainess we all know and love by now lies about a sick, dying aunt (her excuse to leave every weekend, even though she spends them stalking Jason at his house) and leaves before getting found out.

Jason is still trying to live a normal teenage life and meets up with Sara at a house party that weekend. Things don’t go as planned when their makeout gets rudely interrupted by a SEXY SISTER SOPHIA FLASHBACK, so he bails, leaving Sara to find the subtle message that someone is trying to send her.

He’s walking home alongside the side of the road with a bottle in hand, and almost gets arrested, but Sister Sophia (who has obviously been following him) pulls up and convinces the cop to let him go. They go to…her apartment, I think?, and she pours her heart out. She has money! Lots of it! She wants to take him to Paris so she can be his musical muse and he can write songs about her! Um, he’s not having it and scrams.

Get this woman an Emmy! I’m being facetious, but she really goes for it and I cherish every moment with her on my screen.

Jason and his family, specifically his Disapproving Daddy, reconcile (the drinking has been an ongoing issue) buuuut he still has Sister Sophia playing fun pranks on him, like the one where she fakes an overdose in his room to inspire a Squints and Wendy Peffercorn makeout sesh.

“I knew you’d try to save me. You love me.” Nobody loves you like I love you, Sophia!

Anyway, when Jason tries to cut things off again, Sister Sophia taunts him with the fact that he’ll be known as the boy who slept with a nun. I will note that that fact would never haunt a man the way it would a woman, so I’m giving you a C- for that threat, Sophia.

Okay, so while all of this is happening, Zoe is On the Case and trying to figure out who Sister Sophia really is. She finds jackshit at first, but she knows something’s going on; Jason tells her to keep her mouth shut so he can figure things out. However, Sara has now returned from exile to St. Adeline’s and SISTER SOPH AIN’T HAVING IT!!!

She then mic-drops a bar of soap by her lifeless body and says “Soap can be so slippery.” Um, slipping in the shower does not result in repeated head trauma?! But who am I to argue with her?

I’m pretty sure Sara’s dead, so the school holds a vigil for her and Sister Sophia is clearly out of her depth with regards to the very basics of church and it’s hilarious.

Sister Sophia blackmails Jason by showing him her illegal recording of that night in his room, and tells him she wants to run away with him. Buuuut it’s the weekend so he leaves with his family. Sophia lies to Sister Rebecca that her aunt has finally passed away, so she’d like weekend leave as well.

There’s no dead aunt (I mean, she’s probably killed a relative at this point, but not one that we know about), but she instead follows Jason’s family when they’re out to dinner and proceeds to be the MOST OBVIOUS GRABBY HANDS under the table while she charms his oblivious parents (and dagger-eyes a suspicious Zoe).

Zoe, by the way, is awesome and she keeps tripping Sophia up with her backstory. Didn’t you see what she did to Sara and that was just because she flirted with your brother!!

Back at St. Adeline’s, Sister Rebecca calls the hospital to send flowers for Sophia’s deceased aunt, only to find out THERE’S NOBODY BY THAT NAME THERE!

Later, Jason finally tells Zoe the truth, but he doesn’t think the cops will believe him so they need to find proof. Yay, detective work! They decide to hack into Sophia’s laptop. When they return to school, they break into her chambers while Sister Rebecca calls Sister Sophia to “have a word.”

By that, I mean, she confronts her about her blatant lie. Not smart, Rebecca! She goes to call the real Sister’s Sophia’s former school, but our beloved fake Sister Sophia has other plans. Namely, more bludgeoning.

In Sophia’s chambers, they find the real Sister Sophia’s laptop, filled with photos of the real Sophia (which seems to puzzle Zoe, so she obviously hasn’t pieced it together yet), but then they discover our evil queen’s laptop, which is also filled with photos…hundreds and hundreds of Jason. They have to go report this to Sister Rebecca, who doesn’t answer her door, so they go to check the chapel.

The best things happen in very quick succession. First of all, they discover Sister Sophia and  confront her with her true identity (“Laura Patterson” which sounds like ANOTHER fake identity!) and she tells them that Jason wrote his songs for her (despite not knowing her before this school year, soooo…).

Next, she attacks Zoe. Jason tries to intervene but she shoves him off, leaving her wide and open to bludgeon the shit of his sister. When a sassy nun interrupts her plans! AND THEN GETS PUNCHED IN THE FACE AND THROTTLED FOR IT!

[in the tune of Girlfight by Brooke Valentine]
it’s about to be a nun fight

Just as it looks like Sister Rebecca is going to Heaven much earlier than planned, Jason pulls out the screwdriver he had used to pick her chamber’s door (ooh, dirty) and puts a sad end to the best Lifetime villain in a really long time. RIP Sophia/Laura.

THE END

Obviously.