Recap: The Hazing Secret (2014)

Grab a wine cooler and settle in! We’re going to pretend that we’re watching The Skulls or something far superior.

It’s party time at Delta Zeta Alpha, a sorority chapter at Everton College! Everyone’s having a grand old time getting loaded and listening to terrible music, except for Megan (Degrassi alum Shenae Grimes-Beech), who is upstairs doing some video diary homework for her psych class. Her gaggle of gal friends – Nancy, Gwen, and Kim – come up and force her to join the party.

Downstairs, we meet her relatably cute law student boyfriend, Bryan (Jane the Virgin’s Brett Dier), who’s brought along his weirdo friend Trent. Bryan’s little sister Melissa is a freshman sister of DZA, and in a moment of weakness, allows herself to be kissed by some skeevy dude named Mike (who’s currently dating her sorority sister Kim). Kim sees the kiss and immediately wants revenge. Queen bee Nancy is on board, so all four girls – Nancy, Kim, Gwen, and a wary Megan – take Melissa down to the basement for some sorority sister lessons. Well, this won’t be good.

First of all, this group somehow tricked this basement OUT in a matter of minutes:

Secondly, where do they keep the laundry machines? Is this a basement strictly dedicated to hazing activities?

Great job with the mood lighting and robe work though.

Anyway, poor Melissa (on the left) is forced to lie inside this closed coffin for 10 minutes. Nancy threatens her, “You have failed your final exam.” Megan (who looks like a miniature hologram in the back there) protests the entire time, seeing that Melissa is totally panicking, but is as effectual to stop it as an actual hologram. Within minutes, Melissa starts choking on her own vomit as the other girls cackle and shove the coffin from side to side. When they finally pop it open, Melissa’s dead.

Suddenly, Megan is waking up from a nightmare in a strange room. She finds out a few crazy things, vis-à-vis a video recording to herself from herself: after the “accident,” she lost her short-term memory so every night before falling asleep, she records any and all memories she can recollect. Falling asleep resets her memory loss, so this is basically like that shitty Adam Sandler/Drew Barrymore movie, but much less offensive and with lots more mysteries to solve! Anyway, Video Megan tells Today’s Megan that she has an appointment this morning. She leaves the apartment and immediately runs into Kim, who’s aptly uncomfortable but familiar with Megan’s Memento deal. Kim tells her about the upcoming five-year Greek weekend reunion for Everton College. That’s right, Megan has literally been living this waking nightmare for FIVE YEARS.

The psychiatrist, unfortunately, turns out to be creepy Trent (Pretty Little Liars’ Keegan Allen). She explains her nightmare (the party and Melissa’s death) and he’s quick to assure her that it didn’t happen the way she dreams. Trent informs her that in reality, Melissa had been drinking too much, decided to take a nap in the basement coffin, and got locked inside. As you do. Feeling tremendously guilty about the accident, Megan jumped from the sorority house five years ago and fell into a three-month-long coma. That doesn’t exactly track, but who am I to cast doubt? When she woke up, she was diagnosed with anterograde amnesia – essentially, the inability to create new memories. As her psychiatrist, Trent has been working with her to recover her memories and what do you know, he thinks attending this Greek weekend reunion would be helpful for an amnesiac struggling with major anxiety and fear. GREAT IDEA, DOC. Also, should we discuss how at 25 years old, Trent has his own private psychiatry practice and has been treating Megan since she woke up (when they were both 20), or should we just move on…?

Let’s move on. Trent will also attend the reunion, but HAS STUFF TO TAKE CARE OF FIRST so he won’t be there until Saturday. Megan takes his advice and cabs all the way out to the boonies, where Everton is throwing this lame-ass party. The weekend reunion retreat is at some big lakefront camp place with a big house and smaller cabins scattered around. The alumni are partying outside in their bikinis and togas, which sucks because it looks like this was filmed on a super fucking chilly day.

Ooh, there’s Bryan! Shit is awkward between them, so obviously things didn’t end well way back when. Megan runs into Nancy, Gwen, and Kim. They decide to open the orientation package that everyone received, which includes shot glass necklaces. However, each girl’s shot glass contains a word or two. They form the sentence: “YOU HAVE FAILED YOUR FINAL EXAM.” OMG, is this from A from PLL? Or the hook-hand guy from I Know What You Did Last Summer? Megan is totally freaked out, but the girls just seem vaguely peeved.

Bryan and Megan are forced to do some shitty three-legged toga race, just so we can see how much he hates her guts, I guess. But more importantly, all four girls receive an anonymous text message of a video of late Melissa patying. Nancy turns on Kim and Gwen, accusing them of “breaking the pact.” Megan’s like, what the fuck pact are you guys talking about, but nobody answers her. Also, we find out that Kim’s an alcoholic; this is barely important. Later, Megan locks herself in her bathroom to call Trent – who’s just sitting in a car with no explanation as to why – and cry. His helpful advice is to recall her own memories of that night. Trent is the worst psychiatrist.

Megan receives an anonymous note, instructing her to meet at the abandoned shed. Sure, that’s absolutely the logical thing to do when you’ve been receiving threatening notes involving a dead girl. She’s an idiot and en route, hears her sorority song coming from a tree stump in the woods, and yet ignores it to find Kim hung up in the shed, dressed up in a DZA robe, balancing precariously on a chair. Kim’s screaming, “Where did he go?” and then Megan notices the hazing coffin of death in the room right as gas starts pouring in through the door. What the fuck is going on?! Megan breaks the rope with an axe, releasing Kim, just as Gwen and Nancy arrive to the scene. Megan tries to explain the whole situation, but Nancy just wants to know about this singing tree stump, so Megan takes her there. Inside said stump is a key box with the world’s lamest poem: “Secrets secrets are no fun / Secrets secrets hurt someone.” Chilling. Nancy’s freaked out that the key box is from their sorority and never supposed to leave the house. Nancy, your priorities are fucked. When they return to the shed, the coffin has disappeared! Mysterious Creep sure must be strong and fast.

Ugh, Megan calls Trent again, who is apparently now running his practice from inside his car. We find out that Megan’s on new meds, at which point I suspected Trent of keeping her on hallucinogenic drugs or some shit. Hilariously, this is where I wrote in my notes, “Trent is a fucking creep.”

Man, this Greek party is fucking spooky. Everyone’s got jacked up masks on and I hate it. Kim’s getting hammered and gets hit on by her gross ex, Mike, who is the dude that kissed Melissa and basically started this whole damn fiasco. Speaking of exes, Bryan and Megan finally have The Talk. It comes out that after Melissa died, he needed Megan around for emotional support but she cut him off. Megan’s like, wait a second, Gwen told me that you weren’t there for me! In fact, Bryan dropped out of law school and became a cop, because of Melissa’s death. Gotta get that justice somehow! Megan’s ready to spill the beans about her amnesia, the notes, her suspicion about Melissa’s death when Nancy and Gwen rush up on her to stop her.

Suddenly! Kim is found floating in the lake, literally yards from other people. Bryan fails to revive her. Inside, Nancy accuses Megan of the murder, and Megan’s like, but you were watching me talk to Bryan while Kim was drowning. I guess it’s implicated that she was an alcoholic so she might’ve just died by her vices.

Either way, all the shit comes out: shocking absolutely no one, they did accidentally kill Melissa. However, Megan’s nightmare was not entirely accurate, because she actually participated in the hazing just as much as the others.

Devastated, Megan calls fucking Trent, who cautions her to stay awake, otherwise she’ll lose all the knowledge and memories she gained that day! She hangs up and records a video of herself crying, admitting her role in Melissa’s death. Gwen sneaks up on her and gently lets her know that Nancy fed her a lie; Megan’s nightmare was the true reality – she did try to stop Melissa’s death. Would everyone just communicate for once, please!

The sun is almost up and Megan hasn’t slept a wink. She’s preparing coffee when she hears an intruder, so she escapes out a window before realizing she left her tablet, which contains all her video diaries, behind. Also, there is no hanky-panky in this entire movie, which is very unrealistic for a movie about a bunch of 25-year-olds staying at a resort with booze and pent-up college feelings.

She runs to a nearby cabin to hide in the closet, where she discovers a cache of red Greek robes, rope, and roofies. She’s horrified because Megan doesn’t realize this is just what the inside of every frat boy’s closet looks like! The cabin belongs to Mike, Kim’s sketchy ex! When he catches her in the closet, she starts swinging at him with a baseball bat she found. So, Mike is obviously just a red herring suspect, but instead of screaming at Megan or trying to stop her, he starts strangling her?? Bryan busts in and saves the day. Cops show up and take Mike away; they’re going to test Kim’s body for a roofie match.

The shitty reunion comes to an end, except for those linked to the latest crime scenes. How convenient.

Hey, it’s my old buddy Trent! He must’ve just wrapped up his long day of just camping out in his car. Megan is ecstatic to see someone she trusts. Trent is the fucking worst and decides this is the best possible time to try hypnosis. Trent is totally the guy that watches hypnosis porn.

OMG, you guys, he legit swings a pendulum back and forth in front of her face! This guy is TOO MUCH!

Oh, but it totally works. The truth is revealed! After Melissa died, the girls made a pact that they would keep their involvement a secret. However, Megan had the ol’ Killer’s Guilt running strong, so when she told Nancy, during a very poorly-placed fight on the roof of the sorority house, that she wanted to tell the police,  Nancy screamed that their pact can only be broken by death, and pushed Megan off the roof! That’s one way to silence her, I guess.

After the hypnosis is over, Megan is frantic to find Gwen, because Nancy will be out for her blood next. However, Nancy finds Megan and apologizes for accusing her of murder, since it’s now revealed that Mike was the killer all along. Megan’s stumped – who the fuck is the killer? If it’s not Nancy, she definitely has a shitty way of dealing with conflict.

Megan finds Gwen…trapped inside a car that’s filling with carbon monoxide. Megan rescues her and she’s all fine and dandy. Megan runs to get Bryan’s help. Unfortunately for her, Bryan has somehow found her tablet and watched her admission of guilt video, and is now convinced his ex-girlfriend was responsible for his sister’s death. He’s about to apprehend her, but she runs away to Trent’s cabin. Conveniently, his phone line’s dead and there’s no cell service. Trent starts rambling about Megan being destined for greater things, and she’s like, yeah okay…

Just then, Bryan breaks into the cabin and tussles with Trent. Megan escapes again but he catches her, telling her they have to go to the police station for her role in the Melissa’s death. The last 20 minutes of the movie is Shenae Grimes-Beech just running around. All of a sudden, Trent pops up and knocks Bryan out, then promptly handcuffs him to a picnic table. Where are the other police? No radios? Isn’t this place an active crime scene?

Trent roofies Megan – because if you didn’t already know he was the creepiest motherfucker in this movie, I feel bad for you – and drags her into the shed. He has a gun. Megan wakes up IN THE COFFIN. That’s fucked up, but at least it’s open so she can see around the room. Doing so reveals that Gwen and Nancy are tied up in the shed with her.

Here’s where all the memories come back to her: After the girls discovered Melissa died, Megan cradled her body alone in the basement. Trent saw this from the top of the staircase, so he knew that she was both involved, but innocent and/or remorseful. So naturally he began his psych practice and took an amnesiac under his wing to console through his creepy therapy sessions.

Trent explains to her that she needed an extreme form of trauma to trigger her subconscious memory, which, I mean, has seemed to work in her case so maybe Trent’s onto something! Is this like real-life Scare Tactics?

This whole time, Bryan has been hilariously trying in vain to break loose from his shackles to a picnic table. It takes forever but then, all of a sudden, he escapes with little issue, so Bryan’s a moron.

Megan is shocked when Trent reveals his undying love for her. Keegan Allen is literally chewing the scenery so hard in this scene that nobody else even registered to me. He actually sounds drunk reading his lines. Anyway, his whole plan was to set Bryan up as the killer, set out for revenge for his sister’s death.

Because she’s seen a thousand horror movies with this scenario, Megan realizes she needs to whisper sweet nothings to Trent to pull him into a seduction of lies so that she can distract him. In the end, Bryan runs in, and Megan manages to shoot Trent. He doesn’t even get a last-minute scare!

Nancy gets arrested for pushing Megan off the roof (it’s just alleged though, and Megan’s memory is shoddy at best, so I’m willing to bet she gets acquitted), but her arresting officer graciously gives her time to approach Megan for final parting words. Megan finds out that Gwen told Bryan the whole truth, so he knows her video admission was recorded when she was under the false pretense that she participated in the hazing. I mean…she kind of did though? It’s not like she wasn’t in the same room when it happened. She could have totally stopped it from going that far. But whatever, these two losers admit that they never stopped loving one another, so I hope everyone had a weekend! Can’t wait to see what happens at the 10-year reunion!

THE END

Just terrible. Only two deaths in this whole movie, both of which were extremely uneventful.

And who gave Trent his license to practice psychiatry? The man uses hypnosis!